Expectations vs. reality: Let it go

You know how sometimes you have a perfect vision of how something is going to work out? And then it doesn't end up looking exactly what you pictured? If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about. 

Dieter Uchtdorf referenced this in a talk  in 2018- he said, "There is a word in German, Weltschmerz. Loosely defined, it means a sadness that comes from brooding about how the world is inferior to how we think it ought to be." 

Ever since I heard it, I've been obsessed with this concept- and how to stop it in my own life! 

Before I go on, let me clarify- I am all for holding high expectations for yourself, your kids, your family and your life! I believe that the more we expect, the more we (and our kids) can rise to the occasion. When I talk about "expectations" here, I am referring more to our picture of what we thought things might be. You know- that picture of perfect children with clean matching clothes, perfect hair and a clean house- before you had kids? That's the type of expectation I'm referring to- and the importance of not holding ourselves to these unrealistic visions. 

I'm going to give three recent examples from my own life, of times when reality did not match my expectations- and how I managed to channel my inner Queen Elsa and LET IT GO! 

Example #1- my favorite holiday is July 4th! It has been for quite some time. I love gathering with family, enjoying simple, yummy food, and just having fun! (Ironically, one reason I love it is because of the lack of expectations surrounding it!) 

This year, on July 4 we were flying from Salt Lake City, Utah to Orlando, Florida. Not exactly the ideal way to celebrate and have a blast- but I didn't think it would be too bad. We'd still get there by evening and could go swimming, or hurry over to Sea World to watch the fireworks... What I didn't count on was how worn out we would be after traveling all day- and how grumpy I would feel from flying. (I claim to like flying because it's an adventure, but herein lies a sub-example of Weltschmerz: I get sick on airplanes and anxious at airports...) 

Needless to say, this year our Independence Day Celebration didn't quite match up to my expectations. But, we were headed to Florida! And I had planned ahead and bought little red, white and blue mardi gras necklaces for the kids to wear at the airport. And, to be honest, I was just too overwhelmed from the day to even worry about the fact that it wasn't perfect. And we did get there just in time to grab 2 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, so that was a plus. 

Example #2- Weight loss! I have been trying to lose weight for a little while. Along with adjusting my calorie intake and increasing my exercise, I've been watching my thyroid levels (I have hypothyroidism). Since May 1 I had lost 9 pounds. My goal by July 4 (our travel date) was to lose 11 pounds, which would put me at a nice round number that I would be really happy with. 

You guessed it- July 3 came around and I still had 2 pounds to go. In fact, for two and a half weeks before July 3 I still had 2 pounds to go! I was frustrated. I had been doing so well tracking my food, and trying to exercise, and I hit a wall. But- I was going on vacation and there was no way I was going to let 2 pounds ruin it! 

And let me tell you- losing 9 pounds right before a swimsuit vacation is the best idea ever! Those two extra pounds didn't matter! I felt good! My clothes fit well, I felt skinny, and I was in really great shape for walking around all day at theme parks! 

And you better believe I didn't let my goal get in the way of having a great time and eating yummy food! I had created good habits over the past two months, so I didn't go overboard- but I did enjoy desserts, snacks and delicious meals! I knew I'd probably weigh a little more when I got home- but it didn't matter. (And in fact, two days after I made it home and drank lots of water to offset the water weight gain from flying, I broke my barrier that I couldn't before the vacation!)

Example #3- Going to school as a mom. I am a graduate student currently, studying Child and Family Studies. In most aspects of my life I am very far from being a perfectionist. But I will admit when it comes to school, I really like to do my best! That's hard to do when you have a lot of kids at home!

I did a lot of homework before our trip so I wouldn't have to do any while we were gone. That was smart. I did manage to watch a couple of lectures on the plane (I'm still amazed that worked out...). But, I had my two biggest assignments of the semester due shortly after we got back- that I hadn't completed before the trip. The first one, worth the most points, was due this week. The next one, worth less points but I personally feel it's a more involved assignment, is due next week.

As I scrambled to finish the big assignment this week, I found myself getting grumpy, snappy and reactive while my kids were clamoring for my attention. I even freaked out at them one day saying, "If anybody asks for one more treat or one more minute of electronic time, you will be in so much trouble!" It became apparent that I would not be able to finish the assignment to my complete satisfaction. 

And I had to be okay with that. 

I did my quick best, turned it in with a little sigh, and hiked up to the forts in our backyard with the kids. I already got my grade back (90%) and suffered through the feedback on the things I knew I could have done better on. But you know what? I'm happy with 90%! And I'm convinced that no matter how good of grades I get in graduate school, nothing will be more important than my actual experience of being a present parent. 

Let's just pray that the kids go to school this fall when I start taking 6 credits instead of 3. 

My points is this- sometimes (many times) life doesn't turn out exactly how we hope. The house is messy (too often), the kids matching t-shirts are oversized, and even our attempts to make light of tough situations tend to backfire. 

One thing that seems to help is that I've gotten good over the years at saying no. And I don't just mean telling my kids no (though I AM very good at that as well). In order to not feel overwhelmed, overburdened or over pressured- I have to say no. And I have to allow myself to let some things go. 

Let it go! 

I've given you three examples of times when Weltschmerz tried to creep in, in my own life. Times when I could've easily felt defeated, frustrated or saddened because things didn't turn out the way I hoped. But, in those cases, I managed to let it go. Get over it. Move on and enjoy life. 

I'm not always good at it though. There are times when I find myself suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of, "How did I get to this point?" "This isn't how it's supposed to be!" And "What happened?" 

At those times, I let myself sulk; have a good cry; and pick myself back up. 

Brother Uchtdorf said, "Yes, life can be hard at times. Certainly we all have our times of despair and discouragement." He continued, "I testify and leave you my blessing that as we believe in God, as we love Him and love His children with all our hearts, and as we strive to do as God has instructed us, we will find healing and peace, happiness and meaning."

And friends, remember to be kind to yourself.